To You N.

Dear N,

The day he said I "wasn't worth the effort" and left me was the day I swore I would never give my heart away again! I feel like my whole life has amounted to chasing after everyone's approval of me. A cycle with no happy ending. I have always felt like I could never really be accepted by anyone, and I would always be alone. I put up with his lies for almost a decade because I thought no one would ever really love me and I didn't want to admit to myself that there was no one out there for me. Funny how you hold on so tight thinking you will lose everything, when really the universe was just waiting for you to let go. When you finally release your grip, fate "sighs" and begins to bring your world back to balance. No one ever told me that "letting go" is just as equally important as "fighting" for what you want in your life.

Then there is you.

We sat next to each other one night, and you noticed me. I kept my heart "closed" to the world because I did not want to connect with anyone again, and that is why I didn't notice you at first. My friend told you that I had been hurt badly and that I was not looking for anything, but you didn't give up. You saw something in me that I refused to see. Eventually you took the chance and asked me out. I accepted. I don't know why I accepted your request, when so many had asked me before and I turned them away. We went out to dinner, and I talked about things I never told anyone else. Again, why you were the exception, I will never know for certain. You invited me back to your place to watch a movie, and I surprised myself again by accepting. You were such a gentleman that night, and I felt safe with you.

We kept seeing each other, and when you asked me to be exclusive to you I told you I did not want a relationship. You still did not give up on me. You knew exactly what you wanted. You were patient with me, and you waited for me to be ready. I finally made the decision to commit to you. I was still scared , but you stayed by my side. Now as time goes on, the dreams I had of one day having a family seem so much closer. I try not to think about it for fear of hoping too much, but I can't help it. I want to tell you but I'm still afraid.

I want to marry you. I want to have a baby with you. I feel like I shouldn't type it, even though I know you will never see this. Your the friend I've always wanted. For the first time, I can actually picture myself getting married. Wearing a white dress and having a small garden wedding. I can see us going away to Ireland together. I can see us having a family. I can see myself coming home to you.

I wish I wasn't still afraid. I wish I could just tell you these things, even though you've already expressed the same desire. That night when you told me you knew how you were going to propose to me, I said nothing. That night when you told me you wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, I said nothing, but I was happy. Part of me wishes that I would get pregnant now because I want these dreams to be reality, but don't worry I'm still being smart and taking precautions. I don't want to ruin this with you so I am trying to take it one day at a time. My current goal is to tell you these feelings to your face. To let you know that you are not alone, I feel the same way.
I hope that you and I stay partners for the rest of our lives. I hope that you will always be my best friend, because I will always be loyal to you. When you are angry or sad or scared, I will always be there with a warm embrace, a soft kiss, and a shoulder to lean on. You make me so happy.

I love you.

P. S. Our kids better have your blue eyes!