2014: Another New Year

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” 
― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

 The start of a new year is here. When January comes around, we all like to look ahead and make goals of what we intend to accomplish by the end of this new set of 365 days. A majority of us will plan for loosing weight, getting in shape, and eating healthy. Some of us may plan to travel more, or take some classes to strengthen their trade or learn a new one.

I have decided this year not to set any resolutions for myself. That's right, no goals to accomplish by the end of 2014. Every year it's the same cycle for me. I set some resolutions, follow through with these ambitious goals feverishly for about a week or two, and then stop entirely. Then I look back in December and think "well I had good intentions, but no motivation to see them through to the end."

Well this year I am going to take a different approach. Instead of setting goals to accomplish (and fail at achieving), I am going to start creating new habits. There is a difference!

Setting goals means you are looking ahead to the finish line. Once you reach the finish line, you stop working for it because you reached the end of your goal. I did this once before when I decided I was going to run my first 5k in 2012. That was one resolution I did follow through and finish. I trained and ran, and in October of 2012 I ran my first 5k! Once the buzz and excitement wore off, I stopped running.

Forming a new habit is a different approach. There is no finish line in sight when I decide to form a habit. So there is no distinct end. A habit is a part of your lifestyle that you may not think much about, but you are always executing it. I know I have a habit of making a cup of coffee every morning as soon as I get out of bed. That's a habit that I have done for years. I don't think much of it, but I do it consistently.

This time I am going to try to create a new habit in my life. One that is more beneficial to my well being, that I would look forward to doing. Here are some ideas I have:

• Practice the piano/guitar for at least 15 minutes a day. Either instrument, just sit down and jam for 15 minutes.
• Do a couple of yoga moves every day. Could fall into the same 15 minute span as the instrument session.
• Read a few pages of a book every day. Any book. It doesn't need to be a whole chapter but reading a little each day can add up.

Now these are habits, so I am not setting any reachable achievement. I'm not saying I will practice the piano for 15 minutes a day until a learn to play a whole song. I'm not saying that I will read a few pages a day so that I can ready a certain number of books by the end of the year. I am just going to do it. I am going to read every day, I am going to practice every day. If I do these actions enough I will learn a little more about what I like, what I am good at, and most importantly what I am capable of if I took all of the other factors out of the way and just took action.

My mantra for this year may be the commonly used "Just do it," but it fits perfectly.

To program or not to program...

So... Since I have been frustrated lately on the job seeking front, I decided to teach myself some basic computer programming.  I was planning on going back to school this Fall for MRI or Echo Ultrasound, but lately I've noticed on forums and posts on the web that people who have recently completed training in other modalities still have not found jobs in the medical field.  This is very discouraging for me. I spent two academically intensive years studying Radiologic Technology, and the best I could find was a per diem position.  I know the economy is still trying to recover, but that doesn't mean I can't worry.

To feel like I am doing something useful with my time, I started a website and I'm learning basic programming skills.  At the moment I'm learning Python and hopefully if I do well learning that programming language, I will go on to learn Java and C.  This may seem silly, but part of me is contemplating going back to school for Computer Programming instead of MRI or Echo Ultrasound.  It's just a minor thought simmering on the back burner, but the more walls I hit with my Radiography search, the more tempting that endeavor seems to me.  That's why I'm learning programming right now for free from resources I found on the internet.  Depending on how I do, I may pursue that avenue.

I found some instructional books online for free, and I'm going to start watching the MIT opencourse lectures that are available for free as well.  I figured the only way I'm going to know if I really want to invest my future time with a computer programming degree is to dive in and see how I do, and how I feel about it.

My website has been going well so far, I have been ranking decently on the search engines, and I have been getting some good page view numbers.  I like to write about my niche so that makes content building easy for me.  Maybe if it continues to grow and do well, I will share it here on my blog.  But until then, I want to nurture it a bit more and make sure it continues to thrive.

N. is a web developer by trade, and he got my website up and running for me.  He is always watching over my progress and keeps offering all these new suggestions and tips on how I can improve my website.  That is one thing I love about him, he can be encouraging but when it comes to my website, he will point out information that he thinks I should know or point out any errors I made.  When people are honest with me and give me authentic constructive criticism, I eat it up.  I am always looking for ways to improve upon my work, and although I appreciate those friends who are positive and only say things like:

"Your site looks good!"
"Oh I dunno, I think you are doing fine."

I need some input as well.  N. has been really good with giving me his honest opinion, and I have been learning a great deal more as a result!  He is so intelligent when it comes to computer programming and website development.  You know he loves what he does when you ask him about anything computer related.  There is always this tone of interest and excitement in his voice when he explains something to me.  When I ask him for help or his opinion about my website, he gives me his full attention.  He works from home also, and most days of the week he has to be on conference calls with his co-workers and clients.  I like to listen to the way he speaks on these calls. He has such confidence and charisma, it's no wonder his project managers and coworkers are always singing his praises. Seeing him doing what he loves definitely inspires me.  I'm obviously going to keep up my job hunt, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep working on my website and keep my options open.

To You N.

Dear N,

The day he said I "wasn't worth the effort" and left me was the day I swore I would never give my heart away again! I feel like my whole life has amounted to chasing after everyone's approval of me. A cycle with no happy ending. I have always felt like I could never really be accepted by anyone, and I would always be alone. I put up with his lies for almost a decade because I thought no one would ever really love me and I didn't want to admit to myself that there was no one out there for me. Funny how you hold on so tight thinking you will lose everything, when really the universe was just waiting for you to let go. When you finally release your grip, fate "sighs" and begins to bring your world back to balance. No one ever told me that "letting go" is just as equally important as "fighting" for what you want in your life.

Then there is you.

We sat next to each other one night, and you noticed me. I kept my heart "closed" to the world because I did not want to connect with anyone again, and that is why I didn't notice you at first. My friend told you that I had been hurt badly and that I was not looking for anything, but you didn't give up. You saw something in me that I refused to see. Eventually you took the chance and asked me out. I accepted. I don't know why I accepted your request, when so many had asked me before and I turned them away. We went out to dinner, and I talked about things I never told anyone else. Again, why you were the exception, I will never know for certain. You invited me back to your place to watch a movie, and I surprised myself again by accepting. You were such a gentleman that night, and I felt safe with you.

We kept seeing each other, and when you asked me to be exclusive to you I told you I did not want a relationship. You still did not give up on me. You knew exactly what you wanted. You were patient with me, and you waited for me to be ready. I finally made the decision to commit to you. I was still scared , but you stayed by my side. Now as time goes on, the dreams I had of one day having a family seem so much closer. I try not to think about it for fear of hoping too much, but I can't help it. I want to tell you but I'm still afraid.

I want to marry you. I want to have a baby with you. I feel like I shouldn't type it, even though I know you will never see this. Your the friend I've always wanted. For the first time, I can actually picture myself getting married. Wearing a white dress and having a small garden wedding. I can see us going away to Ireland together. I can see us having a family. I can see myself coming home to you.

I wish I wasn't still afraid. I wish I could just tell you these things, even though you've already expressed the same desire. That night when you told me you knew how you were going to propose to me, I said nothing. That night when you told me you wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, I said nothing, but I was happy. Part of me wishes that I would get pregnant now because I want these dreams to be reality, but don't worry I'm still being smart and taking precautions. I don't want to ruin this with you so I am trying to take it one day at a time. My current goal is to tell you these feelings to your face. To let you know that you are not alone, I feel the same way.
I hope that you and I stay partners for the rest of our lives. I hope that you will always be my best friend, because I will always be loyal to you. When you are angry or sad or scared, I will always be there with a warm embrace, a soft kiss, and a shoulder to lean on. You make me so happy.

I love you.

P. S. Our kids better have your blue eyes!

Charmed for the New Year!

Well 2011 has come to an end and as I figured out what my new year's resolutions will be for 2012, I decided to take a different approach. I find that like most people I don't tend to follow through with any of my new year's resolutions, (this past year being an exception), so I've decided that I will document my new year's resolution here. Not only that, but I as I list each resolution I'm going to describe why each one made my list for 2012 with the hopes that I keep looking back at this entry and fully remind myself why I put it on my list to in the first place!  So here goes:

1.  Think Positive and be more mindful:

  I'm going to start the list with this one because I think it will set the stage for all my other resolutions.  This skill has to be the hardest one for me to attain.  It constantly reappears on my resolution list, and time and time again I find myself back at square one with no progress towards this goal.  Basically it boils down to this; I am always scared, paranoid and angry.  I'm so afraid to lose anything important to me.  Especially after the summer of 2010, I hesitate with any decision I make, so scared that one wrong move will have negative circumstances.  I'm also so paranoid, over analyzing everything and constantly thinking the worst case scenario. It is no way to live and I am sick of it!  I'm going to think more positively this coming year. Hell I may even experiment with meditation and see if I can train myself to think more calmly.  Anything is worth a chance at this point in my life!

2.  Write more...

  Here in my blog.  In high school, I was a writer for the school newspaper and even though my work was not "New York Times" material, I still loved it.  I accepted any challenge my Editor gave me for a story and enjoyed writing about it.  So I think that on my quest to "think positive and be more mindful,"  writing down my thoughts, frustrations and anything happening in my life will help me figure out a way to accomplish the first resolution.  I've made attempts in the past to do this and I always end up critiquing and rewriting an entry so much that I wind up thinking "screw all of this!" and give up.  Well the only way to get better at writing is to just write! I'm going to force myself to just write entries, whether they look good or not, until I get into a habit of always sitting down and expelling my thoughts on a regular basis.  Plus, N. is making a website for me to write about makeup and beauty tips and tricks so I need to get the ball rolling, and hopefully with some time and effort my writing will improve.

3.  Read more...

  When I woke up on Christmas Eve I was a grinch, I was feeling down and could not get into the holiday spirit.  N. took care of that by sending me audio of him reading "A Zombie Night Before Christmas." Instant mood booster.  But what really got me back into the holiday spirit was on Christmas Day.  At the beginning of the season we had agreed not to get each other gifts, but N. has terrible memory.  Under our little 3 foot Christmas tree was a single gift.  Upon opening the gift, I discovered it was the one thing I wanted all year: a Kindle!!!  I was elated when I saw that thin grey tablet sitting in the box, and I already had a mental list of all the books I wanted to read!  I have slacked big time on this hobby and that needs to change!

4.  Start running...again!

  Last year's resolution was to run a 5k, and I did it!  I ran in the first Run for Your Lives Zombie 5k in Baltimore, Maryland and it was amazing!  Well now they will be hosting a 5k in Boston for 2012 and my friends and I have signed up for it so there are no excuses!  Hopefully I can get out of hibernate mode and get back into shape by May.

5. Go back to school:

  This is one I seem to be struggling with because I can't decide which program to study.  MRI and Echocardiography are the two programs I am stuck on but either way I will be making an appointment in 2012, and a decision will be made.  After graduating from Massasoit in Radiologic Technology and not finding a full time position is leaving me with one option, and that is cross modality training.  In the current state the economy is in, hospitals and clinics are looking for people that are trained in multiple fields so that they can have a "2 for 1" deal.  Unfortunately for me that means that I am going to have to train in another field to be more appealing to employers.  I feel like I will never be done with school but I am determined to make a career I can be proud of, and if going back to school is the answer then so be it.

These are the biggest goals I have set for myself in 2012.  The list may not seem long, or profound but for me they are what I want to accomplish!  If anything, I want to accomplish resolution #1. I'm tired of being a slave to my thoughts and emotions.  I want to find a way to be happy with who I am, whether I'm in a relationship or not. (more details will follow...)  Well, my writing journey begins!